Today is not only my son’s birthday, but my rebirth. Five years ago, at 4:26am I met the new me.
I was no longer just Farah, but I was now Azan’s Ammu.
The last half decade, I have been getting acquainted with this new and forever changed identity. A title that I will take to my grave. What I didn’t realize then was that motherhood would become this tug of war between my old singular self, and my newfound plural identity.
Motherhood is indeed a plural identity; and in the last five years, I felt like I proverbially learned how to walk again.
I learned that my body would always be marked by pregnancy, that I would carry the battle scars of labor, that my mental health would always be a work in progress; but above all, one day, I would come to accept all this as my new-born self.
In this journey, I have learned more about myself and the concept of motherhood then I ever thought possible. And today, if you’ll let me, I would like to share a few lessons I have learned…
Lesson 1: No one can prep you for your motherhood journey
People say that motherhood starts at the moment you give birth. For me, motherhood started from a dua, a prayer. It started from the moment I made the intention that I would one day, be honoured to be a mother, should I be chosen for that privilege.
I began to learn about pregnancy, I read about giving birth and the million different ways I could teach my baby the skills he was going to learn from me. I took it upon myself to learn from others, ask questions, take notes, partake in various “when I have my baby, I will…” exercises.
What I learned was that you come with built-in instincts that enable you to make decisions on what is right for your child. Despite what you are being told is the “right way” to do things, I learned that I need to listen to my instincts. I learned that no one person can really prep me for the days, nights, months and years ahead of me. I must get to know my child, his specific needs, and forge my own path based on the philosophy I want to pass down to my child.
No one will ever be able to give you a manual on the motherhood journey. Because it just doesn’t exist.
LESSON 2: Give yourself permission to unlearn & relearn
Given the fact that there is no manual for this raising kids business, I realized that I need to feel less guilty about how I did motherhood versus my friends. I realized I have to write my own manual, with my own rules. But before I could effectively do that, I had to give myself permission to unlearn all the things I thought I have to do, and relearn trusting myself. It was freeing. Realizing that I didn’t need anyone’s approval to do what I think is best for my kid. I felt liberation in the form of self-trust, confidence and took cues from my child. If he was positively responding to my way of doing things, I gave myself permission to let go of all the apprehension that comes with being a first time mother. After all, that just meant that my son was getting all his needs met.
LEsson 3: Children are absolute sponges
Growing up I often heard people say, “oh, kids, they don’t understand….”
That is the furthest from the truth. Children are the epitome of the concept of survival. They may be dependent on us to be taken care of, but I learned early on to not mistake that for lack of comprehension. How else do you explain the first few months in a baby’s life? From knowing that they need food, to communicating that need, to knowing their appetite cues to, rejecting more food when satiated. That comes with an incredible amount of comprehension that I believe only gets stronger as the child develops.
Therefore, I have learned that honesty is the best policy where it comes to my child. Because he is not only curious, but he is skeptical and not entirely trusting. If he can find a hole in my logic, then game over. I encourage his curiosity, and help him research and gather knowledge and come to his own conclusions, and I love that in five short years, he knows more about his world the I did in my last year of high school.
Lesson 4: You are not a bad mom if you need help - of any kind
Motherhood is no walk in the park. Some days, it is incredibly taxing. In this day and age, there are just way too many things that are expected of us. We as modern mothers are expected to be the master of all things. We have to work like we have no children and mother like we have no career, all the while trying to maintain a social life, and on top of that, maintain our mental health by engaging in “me time”.
You can have it all, the only thing is, you can’t have it all at the same time.
What I learned is that you are only one person with a myriad of responsibilities to your family, friends, colleagues and yourself. It is a reality of life. What I don’t agree with is that you have to do it all, by yourself. I learned that I am not doing anyone any favours by piling on all the work on myself. When once I used to pride myself on writing the longest to do list and accomplishing all of it before my head hit my pillow, but I realized that I was basically writing the prescription for burnout.
You need help. What that help looks like, is different for each of us.
And admitting that fact makes you an amazing, resourceful and above all, happy mom.
LESSON 5: Your Child is the Personification of Unconditional love
Lastly, no matter what, this child is a part of you. He came from you and is familiar with you from the inside out. A relationship like none other, and as such, he is the personification of a love like no other. So the next time you are beating yourself up for not meeting your own expectation of being a good mom, remember that your child thinks the whole world of you… and in that moment, you need to realize that you were, are and always will be enough.
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How beautifully written!
Author
Thank you love!
Thank you for sharing these amazing life lessons! This is so great! I am not a mother but I would love to be one someday and I am so glad I have role models like you, TMM, Shezo, and all the awesome warrior moms to learn from everyday!
Author
Thank you for slotting me in there with TMM and Shezo! 😅 what an absolute honour! ❤️
Farah this was such a heart warming read! Absolutely love Azu’s choto belat chobi ❤️
Author
Thank you Sam! It was a good one to write <3 I feel like I let out a piece of my heart with this post.