Today is Bell Let’s Talk Day.

For the last 5 years I have been diligently promoting it on social media every year because I was one of those individuals that was touched by mental illness.  I had postpartum depression right after having my son.

I had always been a fun loving person who didn’t have an ounce of sadness in my every day.  But after having my son, I was not able to regulate the hormones in my body and I began to feel things I had never before.  Sadness, doubt, suffocation. All these things that were happening to my body were new to me. I had no idea why I was feeling the way I was.  So it was frustrating and debilitating. People around me did not understand, and even if they did, it was swept under the rug. This caused me to recoil.  I tried to be selective about the way I portrayed my motherhood and whom I discussed my troubles with. The way I approached my sadness was to lash out. And I lashed out in ways that sent ripple effects through my marriage first and foremost, because I was really good at not showing it to a lot of other people.  I only ever opened up to a few select people, whom at the time, didn’t have children of their own so, it didn’t really register. As time went on, it remained undiagnosed and I was getting more and more comfortable with my new found bitchy side. But as luck would have it, my husband realized that he could no longer be my support person and helped me secure therapy.  Those few sessions helped me gather the techniques I needed to cope with the diagnosis. It helped me isolate and work through my feelings of doubt, inferiority and loneliness.

Every now and then, I have a really off day, I can get consumed by dark thoughts that have no place in my mind.  I have frustrating thoughts and even thoughts I am ashamed I am capable of thinking. But they happen. And I’m not broken.  But these realizations did not just happen overnight. I had to really work on myself to get there.

The reason why I write this is because I just want you to know that I’ve been there. 

I am here for you, to be honest, I don’t have the words to make you feel better, but I do have the arms to give you a hug, ears to listen to whatever you want to talk about, and I have a heart, a heart that would love to feel you be happy again.

And if you are a person who wants to be a support to a person who is dealing with a lot in their life right now, here are some things for you to be aware of and maybe it will help you help someone else.

1. Recognize when something is not right. 
   • Sometimes when someone is battling a mental health issue, they themselves don’t have the wherewithal to pinpoint that something is the matter.  If you see your loved one being sad for long stretches of time or they begin to act uncharacteristically of their normal behavior. It may be a good idea to note it a few times before doing anything.
2. Being a support person is hard. 
   • Taking care of a person with a mental health issue can be emotionally taxing on you.  
   • Know that there is help for you.  Reach out to a doctor or therapist to put into place a support system for you, because if you are genuinely wanting to support a person, likely you will also need some help during the process. 
3. Have a heart to heart conversation
   • Sitting down with your loved one, when you have their full attention, in a place where you both feel safe and unlikely to be interrupted, can be the first point of establishing yourself as someone they can trust and be real with.  Letting them know you’ll be there for them is very important. They may not utilize the ear you’re offering right away, but you’ll be the first person they think of when they need a friend.
4. Acknowledge the depression.
   • The worst thing you can do is downplay the feelings your loved one is experiencing.  Those who go through depression feel extremely intense forms of what you and I can feel.  They have a shorter capacity to process them. So to minimize it, does a huge disservice, and often causes them to shut you out.
5. LISTEN.
   • Don’t talk. Just listen. Then give them a hug. Hugs have magical powers.
6. Enlist the help of a professional.
   • There may come a time when listening finds its ceiling.  Be the person who suggests you both go to a professional.  You offering to go with them, lessens the pressure and makes it a less overwhelming task. 
   • You may find that this is a tough task.  There will be excuses, take the lead. Offer to do the research to find an appropriate person, make the appointments, drive your loved one.  This is often the hardest part.
7. Support networks are essential.
   • Having a support person can be amazing but it’s important that your loved one doesn’t completely become dependent on you.  Therefore, finding professionally run support groups and sessions that help your loved one cope and create strategies to cope with their condition is very important.
8. Dealing with crisis or emergency situations.
   • This is a very difficult thing to talk about, but when a loved one has been battling several mental health issues, and the situation deteriorates rapidly it becomes imperative to have a safety plan.  If the situation dictates, (God forbid) then you will know the steps you want to put in place should you ever need it.
   • Sometimes, it might even be a conversation you want to bring up with your loved one.  Ask them what they would want you to do to disarm them. The reality is that if you have ever dealt with a mental issue, you’ve thought many thoughts that are hard to talk about, but if you as the supporter, it is very important to know that hard conversations will take place and you have to stay strong and talk logic, in a loving way.
9. Always keep emergency contact information handy. 
   • If the situation is extreme you may need to be the person that will need to get in touch with a family member, doctor or emergency personnel.  In extreme cases, always remember the person will need to agree to administered help or treatment in order for any intervention. (I know, I hate this part of the system, because this seems counter intuitive) 
10.  Always come from a place of love.
    • Opening up about mental health is a really scary thing to do.  So if you are going to try to be there for someone, try to have an open mind and realize that a lot of things that will happen will be hard to hear/experience, but the power of genuine love and prayer is immense.  So I urge you to always remember that when you are frustrated at a loved one for not seeing the logic you so readily are able to see.

This post was extremely difficult to write for many reasons.  I am NOT A PROFESSIONAL. But I owed to my own experience and the battles that friends have fought, to offer my readers a look into what it takes to truly be there for someone.

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Thank you so much for reading,