The pain is a buzzing pain.  It’s a kind of pain that happens in the background. It does not come to the forefront for me to be able to resolve it.  It taunts me, doesn’t leave me alone.  It’s been following me around like a dark cloud.  I wake up with it.  I go to sleep to try to escape it.  I try to distract myself but nothing seems to make a difference.  I feel entirely by myself in this struggle.  Although I know that people are around me,  I am missing a part of me.

That void is creating this pain.

I don’t feel whole.  And that is something that is so hard to deal with.  I just don’t get it.

I have a wonderful family.  I have amazing parents, the perfect little sister, a great hubzter and not to mention the countless other individuals in my life that want good for me.  But I can’t shake this incredible feeling of spiraling further into a hole that I am afraid I might not be able to get out of.

It’s odd.  I don’t ever recall feeling so helpless and sad before in my life.  I am really trying to see the silver lining in my life, but I am just failing to do so.

Can sadness physically hurt? I know that my life is not progressing the way I had once planned… I know I had wanted to be in a different place, professionally and personally.  Neither of which are going my way as a result of forces I have absolutely no control over.  So if I know that I have no control over these aspects of my life, why am I feeling bent out of shape?  Why am I so unable to cope with this lack of direction?

This is by far the worst point in my life.  The idea that happiness is just a pipe dream is really taking a toll on me.  I didn’t want to write an entry on a blog, and open myself up to my family and friends and strangers alike.

I didn’t want to be judged or pitied.

But this is not letting me sleep.

I need some sleep.